Black Friday

If you've never braved the early morning rush of assholes that is Black Friday please ignore this post. You will be bored. I'm a little bored by it. In fact how fucking ridiculous is it to call a shopping day Black Friday? "Oh my stars! It's all over because people are going to show up early and look for deals! What a terrible calamity this day is!" So to whoever named it Black Friday to elicit some kind of sense of disaster: Get over yourself, you've led a mediocre life in sales. That being said, here are a list of the video game deals that I found especially intriguing this year.

DB = Door Buster
F = Friday
S = Saturday

Black Friday Deals

Sears
F&S Dragon Age $39.99
F&S Brutal Legend $39.99

Kmart
DB? Batman: Arkham Asylum $39.99
DB? Dragon Age $39.99
DB? Brutal Legend $39.99

Target
F&S Batman: Arkham Asylum $37.99
F&S Assassin's Creed II $59.99 w/ $10 GC
F&S Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 $59.99 w/ $10 GC

Best Buy
DB Dragon Age $34.99
DB Brutal Legend $34.99
F&S Resident Evil 5 $19.99

Walmart
F Lock's Quest $7
F Call of Duty 4 GOTY Edition $25
Others at reduced price?

Radio Shack

DB Dual Shock 3 $29.99

Gamestop
F Prototype $29.99

Why Mummies are scarier than ghosts

*Editor's Note: Although insane, hateful, and possibly parasite infected this post has been left completely intact and original because it is hilarious. It's author is likely a member of some mummy fraternity or other. --thepeopleshooker*

ok, so mr. big shot tyler hooker over here decided to spread his tom foolery with the internet. at first i was all "whoa tubular! tyler is gonna talk on the internet! i genuinely want to read what he has to say!" then he fucking blew it by throwing mummies COMPLETELY under the bus. In case you didn't read his post "Ghosts are scarier than vampires" or whatever...i'll give you a synopsis "OH HAI! I'M TYLER AND I'M A BIG DUMB IDIOT WHO KNOWS MOM KEEPS ALLL THE GOOD DRINX UNDER THE KICHEN SINQ. (ONLY IF YOU CHASE IT WITH YOUR URINE!!!) LOLOLOLMAO anyway, ghosts r why i pee my bad at night, not poor bladder control. did i do good? Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrr me no like computar! i eat keyboard?"

i think thats what his post said...i dunno, honestly, i skimmed it.

now he DOES bring up one good point, and that is vampires are the worst. there are 2 exceptions. 1st obviously, is count chocula, and 2nd is cheech from dusk til dawn. was he actually a vampire? i dunno, but didn't he have a gun in his belt buckle? maybe that was another character. so count chocula gets a pass and cheech gets one too IF he is indeed a vampire and also has a gun belt buckle. (all i remember is his rant on pussy)

anyway vampires suck. yes, 1 point retardyler.

but c'mon mummies are WAY cooler than ghosts and here's why. First off, any old loser can become a ghost. Remember GHOST DAD?!?!??! Was he scary to fucking ANYBODY?!??!! BILL COSBY IS AMERICA'S BLACK DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, but now he turns semi-transparent and goes thru a city bus and everyone's terrified? Get outta here.
Look, if anyone has ever ridden the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland, they know that ghosts just AREN'T scary. all they want to do is dance around, hitch hike, and stop the ride every 5 minutes to repeatedly remind you to not "step out of your DOOOOOOOMbuggy!!!!!!!!"
Mummies are the opposite. They must be SUPER important people back in ancient Egypt. They were all pharoahs (which I learned about in Scooby Doo) That's a very select group. Plus they're not just semi-transparent versions of themselves going "ooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo" no, they're freaking in the midst of decomposing! that's fucking scary! Plus, what do mummies want? zombies want brains, vampires want blood, ghosts want someone who really "gets" their poetry, but mummies? who the fuck knows what they want. they just want to FUCK you up! plus there are fast zombies, there are slow zombies, they can use their fucking mummy wrap as a fucking lasso or whip or something! WHOA cool! i just thought of that right now!!!
Plus, mummies were buried in pyramids. That means after these nerds died, they STILL had enough control over these egyptians to make them build a pyramid just to store the body.
Egyptians were ready to kill themselves in some of the most difficult work of all time. People think ALIENS built the pyramids!!! ALIENS!!!! No, pharoahs were just THAT bad ass at controlling. Which means, once resurrected, you'd better believe they'd work an army up no problem. Either that, or the pyramids actually were built by aliens, which would leave me to believe that hey, that probably means mummies have ALIEN POWERS!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT that's scary!

so in conclusion, if you saw a ghost, in your head you'd think "oh man! i guess ghosts really DO exist! huh...weird. well time for bed."

but if you saw a mummy, you'd scream "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HOLY SHIT!!!! What is that? A fucking mummy? In Burbank? WHAT? THE? FUCK? Does that mean they've been on a killing conquest since they left their pyramid in Egypt? Let's get out of her.........................." *the mummy eats you.,..or whatever mummies do, but trust me, no matter what it is, it's scary*

also, thanks to tyler for editing this...i did a terrible job.

Peggle With My Puggle

Yeah, yeah, everyone has already played Peggle a billion years ago on XBLA. Yesterday it came out, many months later for some undisclosed reason, on PSN. It also happens that I have a two year old obese pug named Beowulf. Now I have my entertainment system set up in a loft, and because of poor Beo's weight problem it would be impossible to actually play Peggle anywhere near him. But I like to think that if he could struggle his way up those ladder steps he would enjoy watching me play. He enjoys everything. Right now he's enjoying sleeping on my legs, and I'll be damned if they're not going to sleep too.

With or without the pug Peggle is awesome. If you've never played, it's a little like pachinko with crazy characters, crazy peg designs, and cuuuurazy background art. Everything is crazy, I guess, is what I'm trying to get at. But what you might not expect is that it's also very funny. The loading screen at the game's start-up, for instance, will display hilarious little sayings. And when you do something especially unlikely a tiny rodent (gopher? chipmunk?) named Jimmy Lightning will appear in the lower right and exclaim "EXTREME!" Terrific. There are ten Peggle masters to play as and each one has it's own unique abilities when hitting a green peg. Jimmy Lightning's specialty is the Multiball which is, predictably, extreme.

Now too many people have complained that that game plays itself. That is simply not true. The truth is that the player controls very little. That sounds to me like the ultimate selling point to lazy people. And people who play games are often very lazy. So does this make Peggle the best designed game in history? I submit that it does. I also rule that Beowulf is the cutest dog in the world. Court is adjourned.

Why Ghosts Are Scarier Than Vampires

Now that Halloween is safely past us it seems like a good time to make fun of the paranormal without fear of retribution from monsters. We all know that being incorporeal ghosts can't browse the web, and werewolves shun non lunar light. And let's face it, no one is really afraid of mummies anyway. And Mothman............... well, fear Mothman. Dracula, however, is one tech savvy dude, and meticulously searches out all queries with the words "vampire", "Dracula", "Transylvania", or "macramé". But with the Count sleeping off the diabetic blood from candy infused trick-or-treaters the internet is free to deride his immortal race of limp-wristed fops.

Here then is the truth of why ghosts are scarier than vampires.

Chains: When there are chains hanging off a ghost it's terrifying. How did those chains get there? Did the ghost die in those chains in life? Are they a sign of torment in the afterlife? Did the ghost make those chains, and if so could the ghost make swords? Conversely when a vampire has chains on it, it's because some government organization or other has captured them (with minimal effort) in order to make super soldiers clad in Victorian garb. This is destined for failure, because though inhumanly strong, vampires are conscientious objectors.

Vulnerability: Ghosts are without any solid physical body, and so also lack any physical weaknesses, making them immune to conventional weapons. Nothing is more threatening than a foe you cannot harm. Vampires, on the other hand, are basically animated corpses that drink copious amounts of blood daily. Logically then they are the humanoid equivalent to a mosquito, and should therefore explode like water balloons from the gentlest of assaults. Also their gentlemanly ways require exercise no more strenuous than a leisurely walk, and so have the muscle mass of an anorexic manatee.

Visibility: As most of us know true terror comes from the horrors that we can't see. Ghosts are completely invisible with the exception of instances when they want us to see them doing something scary. Every other time we just have to assume that they're doing something spooky. A vampire's reflection cannot be seen in a mirror, but he is completely visible in every other respect. The only people this attribute could possibly effect are movies stars who never stop looking in mirrors. They have nothing to fear though because celebrities often drain their blood to lose a quick 10 pounds. Also most celebrities are already vampires.

"Orientation": Let's just say it: A vampire (of either sex) is just as likely to kiss you as kill you. Unless you are an actual homophobe (as opposed to the PC connotation) this is not at all scary. It's actually kind of flattering. A ghost will never try to seduce you because they lack self esteem, and have repressed sexualities. Like teenagers from the '50s, and hey a lot of them might be, they have channeled all their unexpressed emotions into hate, rage, and pep rallies. All of those things inspire cold sweats.

So the next time you're wandering through an enchanted labyrinth (I can see your future: Tuesday) and you're faced with the choice of Poltergeist or Nosferatu, think back to the facts I've given you here. Maybe they'll save you a pair of lean underwear.

Tekken 6 = Tech-Un

Tech-Un isn't Spanglish for Tech-One. When I wrote that I meant that the majority of Tekken 6 and the tech around which it is built, is a shambling corpse of a video game. The core of the game, you know the part where you fight, is phenomenal. But all the other shit they've heaped on is just painful. Also the user interface is like something out of a CPA's nightmare: full of misleading titles, poorly worded descriptions, and probably some false tax information.

Now let me temper that word steel by saying first off that I am a huge fan of the Tekken series. How can you not love a series where the "main" character is thrown of a cliff by his father as a five year old, then takes revenge by throwing his father off the same cliff? And then his dad throws him in a volcano! Awesome! But all that amazing leads up to the disappointing sixth installment.

So in order to keep my vitriol to a controlled minimum I'm going to treat Tekken 6 as if it were three games.

Scenario Campaign
Do you remember the the beat-em-up style Tekken Force mode from Tekken 3? Remember how it kinda sucked? It's pretty much the same this time around. It was always fairly easy to dismiss in its past incarnations because it was a side diversion, separated from the main game. Now however its the main storyline. Yup the only way to unlock the super cool CGI movies specific to each fighter (Oh brother are they good too) is to play through the Scenario Campaign, unlock the fighter, and then beat the Arena with them. GUH. If that weren't bad enough the vast majority of the trophies offered are related to the stupid campaign. And the whole thing is ultra repetitive, hard to control, and devoid of fun. But at least after you beat up a bunch of dudes you get to watch super slow no action cut scenes with lots of dialog about shit you already know. And then you get to beat up a bunch more dudes.

Online Mode
Don't even bother playing this unless you absolutely have to have the trophies. It's like playing Tekken, but without the illusion of control. If you try a complicated combo then maybe, just maybe, at some later time, your on screen character will throw a punch. This mode is so bad the only time I've managed to win is by closing my eyes and pushing buttons randomly. That means that I actually had more fun and achieved greater results by pretending to play a better game. If that's not some future technology I don't know what is.

Offline Mode
Praise the gods, or something, because this is what Tekken was meant to be. This is where you get to the part where you fight other players, one on one, in the style of a fighting game. And it's awesome. It's just like the last three Tekkens in the mechanical sense with the addition of the rage system, which gives the player a boost in strength when their life bar gets low. Rage aside I've always thought that Tekken controls like a dream, so it's nice to go back to something comfortable. Aesthetically it's leagues (as in distance, not baseball) beyond other fighting games I've seen. Everything runs at 60 frames per second which when combined with the high character detail looks gorgeous. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks so but it fills a visual niche that I particularly enjoy. There are also, as far as I know, 46 characters to play with,and most have their own specific fighting style. Two out of every three of those characters are also bitch crackers insane. And I glory in that insanity. It's in everyone's best interest to just pretend that this mode is the entirety of the game.

So to wrap it up Tekken 6 has a core of rich nougat goodness surrounded by a thick casing of coconut shavings and poop. Do I feel a little duped for paying for a spoonful of fighting game and a shovelful of insolvent lunacy? Without a doubt. Will I continue to wade through crap to get to awesome? Yessir.