Avatar Schmavatar

This Christmas I got the gift of free movies from a friend. I was unaware that movie theaters still gave out prepaid movie cards, but boy am I happy that they do! That's because on Christmas Day we had the totally rad plan of going and watching Avatar in 3D. That was the idea anyway. The actuality is that where I live this is only one theater in four (total) that shows the movie in 3D and it is (of course) in the smallest projector room. So when we got there more than an hour early the ticket seller laughed. He didn't actually laugh because all humor had long since evaporated from him. He merely changed the angle of his cold dead eyes and monotonically wished us a happy holiday.

OK. The next plan was to buy tickets a day early and get to the theater way before the movie started. Which seemed like a solid tactic, but have you ever tried to motivate people to drive to a dark room and sit in it for an hour? Strangely enough I have, and for a completely unrelated reason. Regardless it did not work out as we had planned, and instead we got to the theater 15 minutes early, which was just enough time to claim some polarized glasses that smelled powerfully of gasoline, and the only open seats in the front row. I wanted popcorn too but I decided against it after waiting in line for 10 minutes and literally not moving an inch. Turns out gasoline fumes and incompetence are not a recipe for workplace success. It also turns out that those 3D glasses surgically remove your peripheral vision, and I unwittingly, savagely, slapped my friend's bag of popcorn out of his hands as he was passing it to me.

As a side note have you ever noticed that when you need to pee during an blockbuster movie there's always a gauntlet of obstacles that keep you away from that amazing action scene? There was actually a guard stationed at the exit making sure I didn't steal the theater's magical glasses. He eyed me suspiciously as I assured him that the glasses on my face, which looked nothing like the 3D kind, were in fact prescription eyeglasses. As I hurried on from a rough pat down (that's not a weird thing for a movie guard to do right?) I saw a bunch of people I know standing in line for the next showing. Panicking I put my head down and tried to run past. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled to see them, but this was not the time. If I had come out of a movie titled "Les Shoot Yourself" with tears streaming down my face and t-shirt that said "I shouldn't be alone right now" you can bet there would be nary a familiar face. That's just how life works. And as such at this moment they saw me and drew me into a warm hugging (oh God not so tight!) welcome. I managed to slip away with seconds to spare, sweat pouring from my forehead, and there in my path was another friend! He started to tell me how amazing the movie was before I cut him off shrilly, shrieking "NO! GOTTA PEE!", and vaulted over the hand rail, which was very nearly a terrible mistake. Somehow, by magic I submit, I made it to the stall just in time.

The movie, by the way, was awesome. I won't go into details, but I will hint that it takes place on an alien planet. WINK. But seriously the aliens were Native American cats.

Assassin's Creed.....No The First One

I have been noticing the previews of Assassin's Creed II for a long, long time, always thinking, "yeah that looks pretty cool" but never really committing myself to get excited. Then reviews started trickling in from the various sites and it became obvious that the game was not only pretty cool, but possibly amazing. Still, new games are $60 and, I have a fear of commitment. That's why I'm not even married to my job. We have an on again off again relationship with my job always complaining I need to spend more time at work. Don't you hate clingy jobs? The point is I could buy ACII for MSRP or buy the original at Walmart for $20. So I did that.

There have always been a lot of complaints about Assassin's Creed since it released, most of which hinge on the fact that the game got incredibly repetitive. This is grounded in rock solid truth. You will travel to a new location, climb on things, investigate targets, climb on more things, and then assassinate. And then you will do it all over again. But when you have to slaughter city guards in bloody cinematic encounters that only result in making you feel like a murder machine I can't really see the down side.

I played the game start to finish in about a week, and I was having a blast right up to the end. When, you may be asking yourself, did my fun stop? Well that was when all of a sudden the opponents started using seemingly unblockable combos that took off a quarter of my life. And here's the kicker: there were about 30 of them. You know what mister game? When I fight 30 people at once it's pretty much guaranteed that I'm going to take damage and it's going to be difficult. I don't need master swordsman surrounding me and, I swear this is the truth, chest bumping me to death. Fuck you. Also any water in the game deeper than Altair's head will kill you instantly. That's especially tricky when drunks on the docks will push you, and only you, into the water for literally no reason.

After everything I still love this game. It was an awesome trip through Crusade era Jerusalem as a psychopath with a hidden blade. I dare you to tell me how that could not be amazing. It's all about an alien artifact and a nancy boy from the future you say? Touché Internet, touché.