Oh God I have the hardest time coming up with good titles. I am so sorry.
Recently there have been a great deal of Buy 2 Get 1 Free deals out there. That's a good deal for new games, but like most people I don't have $120 to drop. As a better value proposition I began to look at half priced PS3 games, specifically Greatest Hits titles. Three games for $60 is pretty sexy, but there are so many! To try and narrow down down the list of potential buys I decided to check which had Trophy support. And that brings us to Achievements.
Much has been made about Achievements ever since the XBOX 360 implemented them and the overarching Gamerscore. The PS3 and Steam have since followed suit, and even some iPhone game developers. No matter the console, the two vocal groups that have made themselves heard are the "ZOMG achievements r0x0rs!!1", and the "stfu achievements r 4 gae wh0res!111!". There is of course a gigantic group of people that don't seem to care either way as long as they get to play video games, never saying anything. Are they bad people for not joining in on a pointless rage-filled internet debate? Yes.
Personally I prefer to play a game with trophies. I Always thought the concept of achievements in a video game was just a touch on the retarded side. Then I did something neat while playing Little Big Planet and a colorful icon and some text popped up in the right hand corner. Next thing you know I was selling my body on the street for trophies. Not really but one addiction is fairly comparable to another. Except I don't live in a cardboard box, and there are no track marks on my arms. Needles scare me. Cardboard scares me too but for a completely different reason. One that has absolutely nothing to do with trophies. Trophies which add value to a game by increasing play time. See how I brought that around?
The downside is that they have absolutely no value outside of a very small scope of life. Who gives a shit if you did 17,000 jumping jacks in Beijing Olympics 2008? I certainly don't but it's less because of the mediocrity of the feat and more because that was a terrible game. Anything with Michael Phelps in it is a crime against Humanity. Come to think of it was he even in it? No one will ever know.
Do you think achievements give you a sense of accomplishment and nerd bragging rights? You are correct. Do you think they are ultimately pointless and break the atmosphere? You are correct. But you are also a fun killer, and a little bit of a douche nozzle. Do you not care at all? You are ULTRA CORRECT.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time
First of all I want to point out that the above is as terrible a title as it is a name for a game. The odds of all those words getting together and making a coherent statement is what astronomers refer to as "ri-goddamn-diculous". Final Fantasy in general is a fairly convoluted set of games, but I don't even know where to begin with this one. It's a sequel to a DS game (FF CC: Ring of Fates) which is a half sequel/half spin-off of a Game Cube game, which is itself a spin-off of the Final Fantasy Series, but more closely related to the Mana series. Somewhere the people who made these games are smoking cigars and laughing at us. They are geniuses. But, as usual, I digress. Despite that unsightly train wreck of a name the game itself is pretty good.
I loved the first DS Crystal Chronicles game, and I love this one. They're pretty much the same game though so that makes sense. I'm not joking. This game is almost identical in level design to its predecessor. It came out only a year after the first one though, so it's not too unusual for a company like Square Enix to recycle a game. And that's ok because it's surprising how amazing the 3D engine looks and feels. The battle is smoothly polished real-time combat too, so no complaints there. Add a whole new story, a bunch of aesthetic revisions in the menus, overworld. etc, and some sweet cutscenes and people like me will buy it.
Plus just look at the kitty in the Japanese cover art
Adorable.
That being said both games are host to a nightmarish version of Co-Op play. If you happen to have three friends with a DS and this particular game (I don't) then you will probably have a great time. If however your friends make fun of you for playing a Final Fantasy game with a cute kitty on the cover (mine do) then you have to make do with the A.I. controlled players that are provided. They are beyond useless. You can switch over and control them, but then your main character becomes brain dead. Overall switching between allies feels imprecise. It's like trying to juggle raw eggs with huge woolen mittens, but the eggs are stupid. And the eggs hate you.
If you don't recruit any computer controlled teammates (and why the hell would you?) it becomes very easy to lose a few hours just running around dungeons, killing dungeon things and solving dungeon puzzles.
Pastimes anyone could enjoy. Except the communists.
I loved the first DS Crystal Chronicles game, and I love this one. They're pretty much the same game though so that makes sense. I'm not joking. This game is almost identical in level design to its predecessor. It came out only a year after the first one though, so it's not too unusual for a company like Square Enix to recycle a game. And that's ok because it's surprising how amazing the 3D engine looks and feels. The battle is smoothly polished real-time combat too, so no complaints there. Add a whole new story, a bunch of aesthetic revisions in the menus, overworld. etc, and some sweet cutscenes and people like me will buy it.
Plus just look at the kitty in the Japanese cover art
Adorable.That being said both games are host to a nightmarish version of Co-Op play. If you happen to have three friends with a DS and this particular game (I don't) then you will probably have a great time. If however your friends make fun of you for playing a Final Fantasy game with a cute kitty on the cover (mine do) then you have to make do with the A.I. controlled players that are provided. They are beyond useless. You can switch over and control them, but then your main character becomes brain dead. Overall switching between allies feels imprecise. It's like trying to juggle raw eggs with huge woolen mittens, but the eggs are stupid. And the eggs hate you.
If you don't recruit any computer controlled teammates (and why the hell would you?) it becomes very easy to lose a few hours just running around dungeons, killing dungeon things and solving dungeon puzzles.
Pastimes anyone could enjoy. Except the communists.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I Hate Uncharted 2
You probably won't hear anyone else say it. Ever. But I'm going to go ahead and say it: Uncharted 2 is a horrible game.
Now before you turn all Judas on me and, if I remember my Bible correctly, serve me my last supper, let me just say that I'm not saying it is a horrible game in order to be some counter-culture douchebag for the sake of being a counter-culture douchebag. I'm being a douchebag for a totally different reason: because it's fun.
But it wouldn't be fair to just say it's awful and leave it at that. Surely I must have some compelling reason to make such a bold claim. I do and it's two words long: sleep deprivation.
I never had the priviledge of playing the entirety of the first Uncharted. It came out at a time when I was just starting to get into non-RPG console games and they required a type of dexterity that's wasn't quite necessary in PC FPS games, which was my other milieu at the time. PC FPS games require twitch reaction of a godlike level in order to headshot the bastard terrorist who just jumped off the roof and tried to land on your back. And by "godlike" I mean Michael J. Fox twitch like reflexes. Console gaming, on the other hand, requires more deliberate movements and my thumbs just weren't accustomed to it. It was like going from 1980s cocained fueled business parties to Terri Schiavo's last birthday "party." Too soon? How about this colorful analogy then: Playing console games that required any sort of aiming made me feel like a T-rex trying to masturbate.
And so I played Uncharted for about ten minutes, grew red faced with frustration and deemed myself unable to play it properly and promptly forgot about it.
But now, a scant few years later, my thumbs have evolved to a level where aiming no longer feels like I'm slogging my gun through air as thick as peanut butter. The monsters approaching me at a ponderous pace no longer threaten to bolt at me with unexpected quickness and the need to swing my arm in a long pendulous motion to do a 360 degree triple multi-headshot railgun kill is a mere vestigial skill developed in a more barbaric age. I can now take my time to aim with prepared precision instead and have become a creature of strategy instead of pure instinct.
Uncharted 2 has the facade of console aiming but the inner soul of a PC FPS (even though it's third person, I know). The action is quick and relentless and moves, I feel at times, a bit too quickly. I can take my time to aim at individual soldiers but they press on relentlessly, forcing my old age gamer instincts to kick in and flail around for survival. Ducking for cover is for chumps. However, if it were a computer game I'd probably feel it was too slow.
The tension created by clunky aiming, partly just because of the medium but mostly due to my continued preference for the mouse, and waves after waves of pretty smart, most likely underpaid asshole henchmen, is palpable and if anyone were to walk into The Virtual Happy Funzone - which is what I call the place where I game - they'd undoubtedly feel a slight change in atmosphere. It's a combination of Old Spice Swagger, Tag Wild Card scent and determination that I call "The Gamer's Musk." It manifests itself only when a game has me so enthralled that I forget to take a shower. Or go to the bathroom at all for that matter.
While playing last night I kept saying to myself "Once I get to a safe spot I'll quit and finally get to bed." And just as I walked into a seemingly peaceful city a god damn tank came barreling down, smashing walls and firing its cannon at my head. Once the tank was dispatched, the rumbling of its engine no longer terrorizing the denizens of that quiet town, I let out a sigh of relief and reached for the power button only to find myself on a wild jeep chase, leaping from exploding car to exploding car while shooting and being shot at and almost falling off of cliffs and I think thats a pterodactly in the distance swooping in towards me carrying a chainsaw that also shoots grenades and happens to have the awesome power to turn men into crazy Goat-yeti monsters that want nothing more than to suck my blood - bipedal chupacabras I think they're called - and after dispatcing all mine foes I, perhaps foolishly, once again felt it was safe to turn off the game. That's when the pterodactyl came back to life as a zombie magician and I just said "GODDAMN IT I NEED TO SLEEP!" and turned the monitor off. But not the game. I couldn't bring myself to do that. The action DEMANDS it goes on, even if you cannot. My little buddy Drake is probably still being ripped apart by that beast as I write this.
And that is why Uncharted 2 is a horrible game. It has awakened the gamer that hibernated inside of me for the past few years that had been lulled into slumber by uninspired gaming and a painful transition from the precise mouse to the galumphing analog stick that made me shy away from the new generation of action gaming. Ones that required aiming, anyway. And now I feel like I'm sixteen years old again, staying up all night long playing Counter-Strike and throwing my hands up in triumph or yelling at the monitor in disgust or just feeling something in general. And that's something that hasn't happened in a very long time. The feeling part, especially. And feelings hurt.
And so, Uncharted 2, I hate you. I hate you for making me stumble bleary eyed into work Monday morning smelling faintly like pizza. I hate you for giving me that spark of hope that made me look forward to playing games every day. I hate you because I'm older now and I have responsibilities and I can't sit around all day playing you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a diamond the size of a beach ball to save.
Now before you turn all Judas on me and, if I remember my Bible correctly, serve me my last supper, let me just say that I'm not saying it is a horrible game in order to be some counter-culture douchebag for the sake of being a counter-culture douchebag. I'm being a douchebag for a totally different reason: because it's fun.
But it wouldn't be fair to just say it's awful and leave it at that. Surely I must have some compelling reason to make such a bold claim. I do and it's two words long: sleep deprivation.
I never had the priviledge of playing the entirety of the first Uncharted. It came out at a time when I was just starting to get into non-RPG console games and they required a type of dexterity that's wasn't quite necessary in PC FPS games, which was my other milieu at the time. PC FPS games require twitch reaction of a godlike level in order to headshot the bastard terrorist who just jumped off the roof and tried to land on your back. And by "godlike" I mean Michael J. Fox twitch like reflexes. Console gaming, on the other hand, requires more deliberate movements and my thumbs just weren't accustomed to it. It was like going from 1980s cocained fueled business parties to Terri Schiavo's last birthday "party." Too soon? How about this colorful analogy then: Playing console games that required any sort of aiming made me feel like a T-rex trying to masturbate.
And so I played Uncharted for about ten minutes, grew red faced with frustration and deemed myself unable to play it properly and promptly forgot about it.
But now, a scant few years later, my thumbs have evolved to a level where aiming no longer feels like I'm slogging my gun through air as thick as peanut butter. The monsters approaching me at a ponderous pace no longer threaten to bolt at me with unexpected quickness and the need to swing my arm in a long pendulous motion to do a 360 degree triple multi-headshot railgun kill is a mere vestigial skill developed in a more barbaric age. I can now take my time to aim with prepared precision instead and have become a creature of strategy instead of pure instinct.
Uncharted 2 has the facade of console aiming but the inner soul of a PC FPS (even though it's third person, I know). The action is quick and relentless and moves, I feel at times, a bit too quickly. I can take my time to aim at individual soldiers but they press on relentlessly, forcing my old age gamer instincts to kick in and flail around for survival. Ducking for cover is for chumps. However, if it were a computer game I'd probably feel it was too slow.
The tension created by clunky aiming, partly just because of the medium but mostly due to my continued preference for the mouse, and waves after waves of pretty smart, most likely underpaid asshole henchmen, is palpable and if anyone were to walk into The Virtual Happy Funzone - which is what I call the place where I game - they'd undoubtedly feel a slight change in atmosphere. It's a combination of Old Spice Swagger, Tag Wild Card scent and determination that I call "The Gamer's Musk." It manifests itself only when a game has me so enthralled that I forget to take a shower. Or go to the bathroom at all for that matter.
While playing last night I kept saying to myself "Once I get to a safe spot I'll quit and finally get to bed." And just as I walked into a seemingly peaceful city a god damn tank came barreling down, smashing walls and firing its cannon at my head. Once the tank was dispatched, the rumbling of its engine no longer terrorizing the denizens of that quiet town, I let out a sigh of relief and reached for the power button only to find myself on a wild jeep chase, leaping from exploding car to exploding car while shooting and being shot at and almost falling off of cliffs and I think thats a pterodactly in the distance swooping in towards me carrying a chainsaw that also shoots grenades and happens to have the awesome power to turn men into crazy Goat-yeti monsters that want nothing more than to suck my blood - bipedal chupacabras I think they're called - and after dispatcing all mine foes I, perhaps foolishly, once again felt it was safe to turn off the game. That's when the pterodactyl came back to life as a zombie magician and I just said "GODDAMN IT I NEED TO SLEEP!" and turned the monitor off. But not the game. I couldn't bring myself to do that. The action DEMANDS it goes on, even if you cannot. My little buddy Drake is probably still being ripped apart by that beast as I write this.
And that is why Uncharted 2 is a horrible game. It has awakened the gamer that hibernated inside of me for the past few years that had been lulled into slumber by uninspired gaming and a painful transition from the precise mouse to the galumphing analog stick that made me shy away from the new generation of action gaming. Ones that required aiming, anyway. And now I feel like I'm sixteen years old again, staying up all night long playing Counter-Strike and throwing my hands up in triumph or yelling at the monitor in disgust or just feeling something in general. And that's something that hasn't happened in a very long time. The feeling part, especially. And feelings hurt.
And so, Uncharted 2, I hate you. I hate you for making me stumble bleary eyed into work Monday morning smelling faintly like pizza. I hate you for giving me that spark of hope that made me look forward to playing games every day. I hate you because I'm older now and I have responsibilities and I can't sit around all day playing you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a diamond the size of a beach ball to save.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Secret to Making Enemies
Battlefield 1943 is a wonderfully enjoyable game when everyone on your side works as a team, advancing at a smooth pace. It's even more fun when both sides are organized and challenging. But because it is played on the internet, the reality is that at least of of the time you will be playing with and against total jackasses. Fortunately I absolutely adore playing with jackasses.
"Why", you may ask "would anyone enjoy that?" The answer is, of course, because when you play with people there is an unspoken code of conduct, but when you play with whatever the hell it is that congeals between the consoles you have free reign to do as you please. "Really?" you say to me with your brow furrowed and one hand resting coquettishly (fruity-like) on your hip, "are they that bad?" Yes. They are absolutely that bad. Almost exclusively when they have microphones with no noise cancellation. Here are some of the worst offenders:
Vocal kid who dies frequently but is puzzled as to why,
Dude who calls anyone near him a fag,
French dude,
Group of dudes with TV on in the background,
French dude with nagging wife,
Sarcastic "look at my score" guy,
Kid who can't pronounce "wow",
French dude with nagging wife and coughing baby.
These are just the assholes on your team. Feel free to step or drive in front of their shots often. Are they in a vehicle? Just driving in that game can be difficult, so if you continually ram into them it becomes a herculean feat to stay on a road. And if they're in your vehicle, by all means, drive them far away from the action. I like to give people narrated tours of the islands until they realize that I'm not going anywhere near the shooting. Best of all is to get one or more players into your landing craft and take them as far out into the ocean as possible, and then just sit there. They can't kill you or make you give up the driver seat so the only option is to swim to shore. Once they start making their way in drive the boat in front of them, always positioning yourself just out of their reach. And lastly if you bail out of a plane while flying at someone you can actually manage to kill teammates. Good luck!
When messing with the other team try to pick someone and make it personal. Anyone with "420" in their name is a reasonable target for hate. Be unrelenting and imaginative. If you pick the sniper job you can head shot people on their starting carriers. You get no points for it, but it is incredibly irritating to the other players. I know the preferred term for this kind of activity is "griefing" but I'm not one of the cool kids. I just call it "fishing" where the rod is your gun, the fish is the asshole in front of you, and the lure is your bullet. I suppose that's an alright metaphor. Except in real fishing you don't catch a fish, wait for it to re-spawn, and then catch it again. And you certainly don't shoot a fish in the head over and over again until it rage quits and leaves you a message calling into question your sexuality.
Then again, maybe I'm not doing it right.
"Why", you may ask "would anyone enjoy that?" The answer is, of course, because when you play with people there is an unspoken code of conduct, but when you play with whatever the hell it is that congeals between the consoles you have free reign to do as you please. "Really?" you say to me with your brow furrowed and one hand resting coquettishly (fruity-like) on your hip, "are they that bad?" Yes. They are absolutely that bad. Almost exclusively when they have microphones with no noise cancellation. Here are some of the worst offenders:
Vocal kid who dies frequently but is puzzled as to why,
Dude who calls anyone near him a fag,
French dude,
Group of dudes with TV on in the background,
French dude with nagging wife,
Sarcastic "look at my score" guy,
Kid who can't pronounce "wow",
French dude with nagging wife and coughing baby.
These are just the assholes on your team. Feel free to step or drive in front of their shots often. Are they in a vehicle? Just driving in that game can be difficult, so if you continually ram into them it becomes a herculean feat to stay on a road. And if they're in your vehicle, by all means, drive them far away from the action. I like to give people narrated tours of the islands until they realize that I'm not going anywhere near the shooting. Best of all is to get one or more players into your landing craft and take them as far out into the ocean as possible, and then just sit there. They can't kill you or make you give up the driver seat so the only option is to swim to shore. Once they start making their way in drive the boat in front of them, always positioning yourself just out of their reach. And lastly if you bail out of a plane while flying at someone you can actually manage to kill teammates. Good luck!
When messing with the other team try to pick someone and make it personal. Anyone with "420" in their name is a reasonable target for hate. Be unrelenting and imaginative. If you pick the sniper job you can head shot people on their starting carriers. You get no points for it, but it is incredibly irritating to the other players. I know the preferred term for this kind of activity is "griefing" but I'm not one of the cool kids. I just call it "fishing" where the rod is your gun, the fish is the asshole in front of you, and the lure is your bullet. I suppose that's an alright metaphor. Except in real fishing you don't catch a fish, wait for it to re-spawn, and then catch it again. And you certainly don't shoot a fish in the head over and over again until it rage quits and leaves you a message calling into question your sexuality.
Then again, maybe I'm not doing it right.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
FLASH GAME REVIEW #1:
Hi all!
Loser McFagFace here!
I'm a guest on this here blog to review flash games. Remember the title part that said "FLASH GAME REVIEW #1?" Yeah, in case you were confused by that heady subject line, I'll be reviewing FLASH GAMES. Also this is the first one (which explains the #1 part.)
Alright, now that we're all cleared up. What? You honestly still don't understand what I'm doing? Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? You know what? Fuck it. I'm just gonna go on and review this fucking game anyway. Why I spent so much time worried about you understanding this blog post, I'll probably never know. I hope your parents are proud. (sarcasm)
ANYWAY, why am I reviewing flash games you ask? Well cuz I work in a cubicle and I'm bored out of my mind. But, since I'm on a computer with no administrative privileges, I'm not allowed to install any games (or viruses.) That leads me to wasting a lot of time on celebrity blogs, then wasting more time hating myself for actually reading celebrity blogs & finally wasting most of my time in search of a playable flash game. Which is hard, cuz they all suck. ALL suck.
SO for my FIRST game review (remember the #1 part?...FINE, I don't even know why I thought I'd try again.) The FIRST game I'm reviewing is a little thing called Paintball Flash Game.
See, these type of games already start down a couple pegs in my book. You know why? Cuz why just paintball? Why must we play video game paintball? The reason you play fucking paintball in real life is to simulate killing all your friends cuz they're all actually really annoying. So why would I want to play a video game where I shoot and shoot but can't actually kill anyone? Is it cuz there are gamers out there who become riddled with guilt over killing video game characters? Do they wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors? Are their families destroyed?
"What happened to you James?"
"You wouldn't understand!!! You've never taken a digital human life!!!!!!"
Of course not. When I play video games I try to shoot/destroy anything the game will let me, cuz in real life if there weren't a bunch of squares walking around "policing" this world, then that's exactly what I'd be doing...destroying shit.
Making a game about paintball is like making a bike racing game where all the bikes have training wheels. Or a bowling game with bumpers that can't be put down.
Plus why paintball? If they want to make it warm and fuzzy, why don't they make a game where you shoot teddy bears into kitten vaginas until the kittens get so fat they explode into the jonas bros 69ing with tlc? the world may never know.
When I started playing this game, I actually liked it a lot. (I know I started this post saying I hate all flash games...then I just rambled on and on about how I hate paintball games...but then I started playing it and this game was kinda fun. So just in case you're following along, yeah I'm ruining all my credibility RIGHT off the bat.) Yeah, this game was actually fun. Its a birds-eye view and you control with the normal WASD keys and look with the mouse. Its capture the flag 1 vs. 1, which we all know most paintball games are 1v1. Have you ever tried to play paintball with more than 1 other person? Oh man, it's AWFUL! The communication is better, the camaraderie, and don't even get me started on how gay teamwork is!
But no, this game was pretty fun, shooting the guy was fun and also you can shoot with the flag in hand. RAD! Once you capture the flag you go onto the next level. There's also fog like they had in Warcraft II, which I always used to put the code in to get rid of. It sucked in Warcraft II cuz you couldn't see what everyone was doing, and also you're in 5th grade and have yet to fully comprehend concepts such as "strategy." However in Paintball Flash Game, the fog is a great device! Oh hey, where's that red asshole? OMG! He's in the black fog! (Or is it SMOG????? LOLOLOLOL) no its fog. Smog is a dumb joke, also gross.
Here are some downsides to the game...first off, the name. Paintball Flash Game? That's the least original name you could possibly give it. In fact its so unoriginal, its almost original. I think the creators of this game used to have a longer title that they had to trim down to make it "catchy for the kids!" It was originally called Paintball Flash Game On The Internet Web Browser Of Your Choice That Is Played On Your Computer And Controlled By Both Your Keyboard And Mouse! The only way this title could be original is if you controlled a ball named paint and went around flashing nintendo cartridges your dick. 2nd downside...is levels 5-10 my opponent seemed to mysteriously disappear. Seriously. That's not an exaggeration. It goes from 1v1 to 1v0. The game turns from paintball to a super lame maze with no dead ends. I guess this could be an upside for some people...but for me it got a tad boring. Then I got cocky and at level 11 I got my ass kicked cuz I thought there were no more bad guys.
Other than that...good first outing! I guess I should figure out a rating system...I give it 69
Loser McFagFace here!
I'm a guest on this here blog to review flash games. Remember the title part that said "FLASH GAME REVIEW #1?" Yeah, in case you were confused by that heady subject line, I'll be reviewing FLASH GAMES. Also this is the first one (which explains the #1 part.)
Alright, now that we're all cleared up. What? You honestly still don't understand what I'm doing? Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? You know what? Fuck it. I'm just gonna go on and review this fucking game anyway. Why I spent so much time worried about you understanding this blog post, I'll probably never know. I hope your parents are proud. (sarcasm)
ANYWAY, why am I reviewing flash games you ask? Well cuz I work in a cubicle and I'm bored out of my mind. But, since I'm on a computer with no administrative privileges, I'm not allowed to install any games (or viruses.) That leads me to wasting a lot of time on celebrity blogs, then wasting more time hating myself for actually reading celebrity blogs & finally wasting most of my time in search of a playable flash game. Which is hard, cuz they all suck. ALL suck.
SO for my FIRST game review (remember the #1 part?...FINE, I don't even know why I thought I'd try again.) The FIRST game I'm reviewing is a little thing called Paintball Flash Game.
See, these type of games already start down a couple pegs in my book. You know why? Cuz why just paintball? Why must we play video game paintball? The reason you play fucking paintball in real life is to simulate killing all your friends cuz they're all actually really annoying. So why would I want to play a video game where I shoot and shoot but can't actually kill anyone? Is it cuz there are gamers out there who become riddled with guilt over killing video game characters? Do they wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors? Are their families destroyed?
"What happened to you James?"
"You wouldn't understand!!! You've never taken a digital human life!!!!!!"
Of course not. When I play video games I try to shoot/destroy anything the game will let me, cuz in real life if there weren't a bunch of squares walking around "policing" this world, then that's exactly what I'd be doing...destroying shit.
Making a game about paintball is like making a bike racing game where all the bikes have training wheels. Or a bowling game with bumpers that can't be put down.
Plus why paintball? If they want to make it warm and fuzzy, why don't they make a game where you shoot teddy bears into kitten vaginas until the kittens get so fat they explode into the jonas bros 69ing with tlc? the world may never know.
When I started playing this game, I actually liked it a lot. (I know I started this post saying I hate all flash games...then I just rambled on and on about how I hate paintball games...but then I started playing it and this game was kinda fun. So just in case you're following along, yeah I'm ruining all my credibility RIGHT off the bat.) Yeah, this game was actually fun. Its a birds-eye view and you control with the normal WASD keys and look with the mouse. Its capture the flag 1 vs. 1, which we all know most paintball games are 1v1. Have you ever tried to play paintball with more than 1 other person? Oh man, it's AWFUL! The communication is better, the camaraderie, and don't even get me started on how gay teamwork is!
But no, this game was pretty fun, shooting the guy was fun and also you can shoot with the flag in hand. RAD! Once you capture the flag you go onto the next level. There's also fog like they had in Warcraft II, which I always used to put the code in to get rid of. It sucked in Warcraft II cuz you couldn't see what everyone was doing, and also you're in 5th grade and have yet to fully comprehend concepts such as "strategy." However in Paintball Flash Game, the fog is a great device! Oh hey, where's that red asshole? OMG! He's in the black fog! (Or is it SMOG????? LOLOLOLOL) no its fog. Smog is a dumb joke, also gross.
Here are some downsides to the game...first off, the name. Paintball Flash Game? That's the least original name you could possibly give it. In fact its so unoriginal, its almost original. I think the creators of this game used to have a longer title that they had to trim down to make it "catchy for the kids!" It was originally called Paintball Flash Game On The Internet Web Browser Of Your Choice That Is Played On Your Computer And Controlled By Both Your Keyboard And Mouse! The only way this title could be original is if you controlled a ball named paint and went around flashing nintendo cartridges your dick. 2nd downside...is levels 5-10 my opponent seemed to mysteriously disappear. Seriously. That's not an exaggeration. It goes from 1v1 to 1v0. The game turns from paintball to a super lame maze with no dead ends. I guess this could be an upside for some people...but for me it got a tad boring. Then I got cocky and at level 11 I got my ass kicked cuz I thought there were no more bad guys.
Other than that...good first outing! I guess I should figure out a rating system...I give it 69
The Other Fives
Everyone is familiar with the traditional high fives dished out as a congratulatory measure. But there are other variations of which the greater world may remain wholly unaware. Here then, are a few of those other, sometimes highly experimental, "fives".
The Pry Five
The inspiration for this blog, the Pry Five is a regular high five with the exception that a pry bar is substituted in place of an open hand. Any prying tool can be used within reason, such as a crow bar or cat's claw. But please for God's sake never use a peeler bar. A 50 pound swinging steel bar is too much for all but the most experienced fivers. I have personally practiced the pry five.
The Fry Five
Another five I have experienced first hand. The Fry Five uses frying pans at the contact point. The impact is much the same as a Pry Five, only many many times louder, especially in an enclosed space.
The Sky Five
A high five given to another person while sky diving. In theory this is likely the most awesome variation of a five in existence. In reality, however, the problem arises that Sky Fives are done exclusively by some douchey ad exec or other and his "totally not gay friend friend" Brent in an attempt to get both of their pictures into that new extreme deodorant ad campaign. Afterward he goes back home and says: "Hey honey! Yeah we can totally sleep in the same bed tonight!" Then in a hushed voice: "God I wish I was sky diving with Brent."
The Cry Five
A high five that is so hard that one or both of the participants cry. Tearing up is not enough. Actual sobbing must take place. I have witnessed such an event where both parties held their hands out of a car window on a cold day while on the way to a movie in order to achieve maximum pain. The movie, by the by, was Doom.
The Pie Five
An ultra secret form of the high five that is guaranteed to cause uproarious laughter in all who witness. A certain someone, whom I will call Dan, has assured me this particular five is only performed in the underground clown societies. Understandably, pies are involved.
The Tri-Five
A high five with three participants. Never attempt a Tri-Pry-Five. I've done the math and I can assure you that the angles involved can lead only to misfortune.
The Two-by-Five
Please note that this is in actuality a high five where each party wields a two-by-four, but for the sake of naming the board width has been exaggerated. The reverberation of such an event is terrible and the danger of EXTREME splinters should never be ignored.
The Squid
The ultimate in high five "griefing". The squid is performed by recoiling one's hand last minute from a high five, where said hand moves backwards in a squid-like motion. Always hilarious, the Squid is prone to retributive ball kicks. Use with extreme caution.
The Pry Five
The inspiration for this blog, the Pry Five is a regular high five with the exception that a pry bar is substituted in place of an open hand. Any prying tool can be used within reason, such as a crow bar or cat's claw. But please for God's sake never use a peeler bar. A 50 pound swinging steel bar is too much for all but the most experienced fivers. I have personally practiced the pry five.
The Fry Five
Another five I have experienced first hand. The Fry Five uses frying pans at the contact point. The impact is much the same as a Pry Five, only many many times louder, especially in an enclosed space.
The Sky Five
A high five given to another person while sky diving. In theory this is likely the most awesome variation of a five in existence. In reality, however, the problem arises that Sky Fives are done exclusively by some douchey ad exec or other and his "totally not gay friend friend" Brent in an attempt to get both of their pictures into that new extreme deodorant ad campaign. Afterward he goes back home and says: "Hey honey! Yeah we can totally sleep in the same bed tonight!" Then in a hushed voice: "God I wish I was sky diving with Brent."
The Cry Five
A high five that is so hard that one or both of the participants cry. Tearing up is not enough. Actual sobbing must take place. I have witnessed such an event where both parties held their hands out of a car window on a cold day while on the way to a movie in order to achieve maximum pain. The movie, by the by, was Doom.
The Pie Five
An ultra secret form of the high five that is guaranteed to cause uproarious laughter in all who witness. A certain someone, whom I will call Dan, has assured me this particular five is only performed in the underground clown societies. Understandably, pies are involved.
The Tri-Five
A high five with three participants. Never attempt a Tri-Pry-Five. I've done the math and I can assure you that the angles involved can lead only to misfortune.
The Two-by-Five
Please note that this is in actuality a high five where each party wields a two-by-four, but for the sake of naming the board width has been exaggerated. The reverberation of such an event is terrible and the danger of EXTREME splinters should never be ignored.
The Squid
The ultimate in high five "griefing". The squid is performed by recoiling one's hand last minute from a high five, where said hand moves backwards in a squid-like motion. Always hilarious, the Squid is prone to retributive ball kicks. Use with extreme caution.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Halo LANd
Once every month or so I get phone call from a friend of mine telling me to come over that night and play Halo 3. Whenever this happens I have to go stand on the carpet, to dampen the noise of me jumping up and down excitedly. After a day of slugging through it's finally time to head out, buy some Game Fuel (it's terrible), and face the enemies who were friends just hours before.
If you play games, chances are you've played some form of Halo over the years. That means you have probably also been to a Halo LAN party, or as I like to call it Funtown. In all honesty I have never actually called anything Funtown. Except the city of Funville once, and I've already apologized for that. In any case if you've been there you know what it's like: dudes, small stuffy space, controllers in various states of repair and readiness, TVs and monitors everywhere (and often in precarious positions), and a smell you hope is old pizza. The greetings are sparse because everyone is too busy making offerings to the Router Deities, and you don't want to acknowledge what you're going to be shooting.
And then it's three or more hours of running, shooting, throwing grenades, and generally hating everyone you see. Oh and cussing. With all the food laying around it's kinda like a technology fueled Thanksgiving.
I know the word picture painted above is old hat to most people, but it's a beautiful thing. There are underlying themes in such a gathering that are reminiscent of the Freemason meetings of the past. A group of select people gathered around softly glowing devices of mystical design and using a language that no layman could understand. There are secret handshakes too, and a hierarchy established partly through time involved, and mostly through skill. There's also hazing, but it's decidedly less homoerotic than in traditional secret societies, and that is including all the in game tea-bagging . Someone could definitely make a study about that. Or maybe not.
The point is I don't have an Xbox 360, so when there's a Halo Party going down it's a big event. It's one of those things a lot of us will look back on as we turn gray and think, "Boy oh boy I used to have fun before the robot revolution when I wasn't hunted by wolf-like packs of sentient machines." LAN is good. I prefer to think of them as Ethernet chains.
If you play games, chances are you've played some form of Halo over the years. That means you have probably also been to a Halo LAN party, or as I like to call it Funtown. In all honesty I have never actually called anything Funtown. Except the city of Funville once, and I've already apologized for that. In any case if you've been there you know what it's like: dudes, small stuffy space, controllers in various states of repair and readiness, TVs and monitors everywhere (and often in precarious positions), and a smell you hope is old pizza. The greetings are sparse because everyone is too busy making offerings to the Router Deities, and you don't want to acknowledge what you're going to be shooting.
And then it's three or more hours of running, shooting, throwing grenades, and generally hating everyone you see. Oh and cussing. With all the food laying around it's kinda like a technology fueled Thanksgiving.
I know the word picture painted above is old hat to most people, but it's a beautiful thing. There are underlying themes in such a gathering that are reminiscent of the Freemason meetings of the past. A group of select people gathered around softly glowing devices of mystical design and using a language that no layman could understand. There are secret handshakes too, and a hierarchy established partly through time involved, and mostly through skill. There's also hazing, but it's decidedly less homoerotic than in traditional secret societies, and that is including all the in game tea-bagging . Someone could definitely make a study about that. Or maybe not.
The point is I don't have an Xbox 360, so when there's a Halo Party going down it's a big event. It's one of those things a lot of us will look back on as we turn gray and think, "Boy oh boy I used to have fun before the robot revolution when I wasn't hunted by wolf-like packs of sentient machines." LAN is good. I prefer to think of them as Ethernet chains.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Does Anyone Still Care About Fallout 3?
Of course there are people out there who still care about Fallout 3. Somewhere in a basement there is a person who has put a facade on his/her door so that it looks like the giant gear protecting the entrance to the Vaults. That person will always care. But I'm not sure that game holds any real sway over me.
I distinctly remember finishing Fallout 3 proper after exploring everything there was in that world with a mild sense of relief. It was cool. It was huge. It was glitchy as hell and it froze too much. Now though there are add-ons available for the PS3 and I could not help buying Broken Steel the day I accidentally found it on the PSN Store. Months after it was supposed to be released it showed up incognito, and low and behold, the next week Operation Anchorage and The Pit popped up as well. This brings up some faults with PSN that are best left for another time.
Regardless, once I started playing the expansion it was hard to remember why I loved the original game so much in the first place. I remembered it being full of glitches, but DAMN! In the first five minutes of playing I was stuck in place after a scripted scene and had to reload. seven minutes later I got in a firefight and the game froze in VATS. And had I ever thought this game was pretty? The whole purchase looked like a mistake.
But then a funny thing happened: I started having fun. It took some time for the mental gears to shift into place but when they did it all came back to me. The game itself is laughably broken at times. And it's so big it's hard to immerse oneself too deeply in any one area, let alone all areas. But there's a certain something about that game outside of all it's pieces. Something that makes all those jagged shards fit together into a really amazing whole. It feels animate. Or something close to that. Something good.
So in spite of everything I was expecting I still care about Fallout 3.
I distinctly remember finishing Fallout 3 proper after exploring everything there was in that world with a mild sense of relief. It was cool. It was huge. It was glitchy as hell and it froze too much. Now though there are add-ons available for the PS3 and I could not help buying Broken Steel the day I accidentally found it on the PSN Store. Months after it was supposed to be released it showed up incognito, and low and behold, the next week Operation Anchorage and The Pit popped up as well. This brings up some faults with PSN that are best left for another time.
Regardless, once I started playing the expansion it was hard to remember why I loved the original game so much in the first place. I remembered it being full of glitches, but DAMN! In the first five minutes of playing I was stuck in place after a scripted scene and had to reload. seven minutes later I got in a firefight and the game froze in VATS. And had I ever thought this game was pretty? The whole purchase looked like a mistake.
But then a funny thing happened: I started having fun. It took some time for the mental gears to shift into place but when they did it all came back to me. The game itself is laughably broken at times. And it's so big it's hard to immerse oneself too deeply in any one area, let alone all areas. But there's a certain something about that game outside of all it's pieces. Something that makes all those jagged shards fit together into a really amazing whole. It feels animate. Or something close to that. Something good.
So in spite of everything I was expecting I still care about Fallout 3.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Downer
It's never a good idea to start an endeavor on a down note. Fortunately Pry Five is not about good ideas. It's about awesome things like giving high fives with crowbars, or strapping a brick onto your feet and giving someone a good kick. Mostly It's about video games, but those are pretty awesome.
First though: some things that suck.
Garnett Lee is leaving 1up.com to go to GameFly Media. This is good for him, but bad for people who like to listen to the podcast Listen up, formerly 1up yours. Sure Garnett was cheesy and a little predictable, but damn it he was comfortable and funny. Here's hoping 1up won't lose any more of the excellent personalities that work there.
Battlefield 1943, while often the pinnacle of rad, can at times be reminiscent of a hate crime. Let me set up a scenario. Spawn, head-shot!; dead. Wait. Spawn, grenade!; dead. Wait. Spawn, bombing run; dead. Wait. Wait. Still waiting. Wait just a little longer. Spawn: head-shot! "FUCK!" When this happens, and it happens more than it should, it's hard to remember why you bother playing with human beings.
And getting tortilla chips jammed into your soft vulnerable gum. That completely wangs chung.
Just to be a little positive here is a list of things that don't suck: being the guy spawn killing in Battlefield 1943, potato soup, ogame.org, one crowbar, popcorn, most things with PixelJunk attached to the name, and having more than one crowbar in a social setting. Pry Five.
First though: some things that suck.
Garnett Lee is leaving 1up.com to go to GameFly Media. This is good for him, but bad for people who like to listen to the podcast Listen up, formerly 1up yours. Sure Garnett was cheesy and a little predictable, but damn it he was comfortable and funny. Here's hoping 1up won't lose any more of the excellent personalities that work there.
Battlefield 1943, while often the pinnacle of rad, can at times be reminiscent of a hate crime. Let me set up a scenario. Spawn, head-shot!; dead. Wait. Spawn, grenade!; dead. Wait. Spawn, bombing run; dead. Wait. Wait. Still waiting. Wait just a little longer. Spawn: head-shot! "FUCK!" When this happens, and it happens more than it should, it's hard to remember why you bother playing with human beings.
And getting tortilla chips jammed into your soft vulnerable gum. That completely wangs chung.
Just to be a little positive here is a list of things that don't suck: being the guy spawn killing in Battlefield 1943, potato soup, ogame.org, one crowbar, popcorn, most things with PixelJunk attached to the name, and having more than one crowbar in a social setting. Pry Five.
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