FLASH GAME REVIEW #1:

Hi all!

Loser McFagFace here!

I'm a guest on this here blog to review flash games. Remember the title part that said "FLASH GAME REVIEW #1?" Yeah, in case you were confused by that heady subject line, I'll be reviewing FLASH GAMES. Also this is the first one (which explains the #1 part.)

Alright, now that we're all cleared up. What? You honestly still don't understand what I'm doing? Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? You know what? Fuck it. I'm just gonna go on and review this fucking game anyway. Why I spent so much time worried about you understanding this blog post, I'll probably never know. I hope your parents are proud. (sarcasm)

ANYWAY, why am I reviewing flash games you ask? Well cuz I work in a cubicle and I'm bored out of my mind. But, since I'm on a computer with no administrative privileges, I'm not allowed to install any games (or viruses.) That leads me to wasting a lot of time on celebrity blogs, then wasting more time hating myself for actually reading celebrity blogs & finally wasting most of my time in search of a playable flash game. Which is hard, cuz they all suck. ALL suck.

SO for my FIRST game review (remember the #1 part?...FINE, I don't even know why I thought I'd try again.) The FIRST game I'm reviewing is a little thing called Paintball Flash Game.

See, these type of games already start down a couple pegs in my book. You know why? Cuz why just paintball? Why must we play video game paintball? The reason you play fucking paintball in real life is to simulate killing all your friends cuz they're all actually really annoying. So why would I want to play a video game where I shoot and shoot but can't actually kill anyone? Is it cuz there are gamers out there who become riddled with guilt over killing video game characters? Do they wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors? Are their families destroyed?
"What happened to you James?"
"You wouldn't understand!!! You've never taken a digital human life!!!!!!"
Of course not. When I play video games I try to shoot/destroy anything the game will let me, cuz in real life if there weren't a bunch of squares walking around "policing" this world, then that's exactly what I'd be doing...destroying shit.

Making a game about paintball is like making a bike racing game where all the bikes have training wheels. Or a bowling game with bumpers that can't be put down.
Plus why paintball? If they want to make it warm and fuzzy, why don't they make a game where you shoot teddy bears into kitten vaginas until the kittens get so fat they explode into the jonas bros 69ing with tlc? the world may never know.

When I started playing this game, I actually liked it a lot. (I know I started this post saying I hate all flash games...then I just rambled on and on about how I hate paintball games...but then I started playing it and this game was kinda fun. So just in case you're following along, yeah I'm ruining all my credibility RIGHT off the bat.) Yeah, this game was actually fun. Its a birds-eye view and you control with the normal WASD keys and look with the mouse. Its capture the flag 1 vs. 1, which we all know most paintball games are 1v1. Have you ever tried to play paintball with more than 1 other person? Oh man, it's AWFUL! The communication is better, the camaraderie, and don't even get me started on how gay teamwork is!

But no, this game was pretty fun, shooting the guy was fun and also you can shoot with the flag in hand. RAD! Once you capture the flag you go onto the next level. There's also fog like they had in Warcraft II, which I always used to put the code in to get rid of. It sucked in Warcraft II cuz you couldn't see what everyone was doing, and also you're in 5th grade and have yet to fully comprehend concepts such as "strategy." However in Paintball Flash Game, the fog is a great device! Oh hey, where's that red asshole? OMG! He's in the black fog! (Or is it SMOG????? LOLOLOLOL) no its fog. Smog is a dumb joke, also gross.

Here are some downsides to the game...first off, the name. Paintball Flash Game? That's the least original name you could possibly give it. In fact its so unoriginal, its almost original. I think the creators of this game used to have a longer title that they had to trim down to make it "catchy for the kids!" It was originally called Paintball Flash Game On The Internet Web Browser Of Your Choice That Is Played On Your Computer And Controlled By Both Your Keyboard And Mouse! The only way this title could be original is if you controlled a ball named paint and went around flashing nintendo cartridges your dick. 2nd downside...is levels 5-10 my opponent seemed to mysteriously disappear. Seriously. That's not an exaggeration. It goes from 1v1 to 1v0. The game turns from paintball to a super lame maze with no dead ends. I guess this could be an upside for some people...but for me it got a tad boring. Then I got cocky and at level 11 I got my ass kicked cuz I thought there were no more bad guys.

Other than that...good first outing! I guess I should figure out a rating system...I give it 69