Why Ghosts Are Scarier Than Vampires

Now that Halloween is safely past us it seems like a good time to make fun of the paranormal without fear of retribution from monsters. We all know that being incorporeal ghosts can't browse the web, and werewolves shun non lunar light. And let's face it, no one is really afraid of mummies anyway. And Mothman............... well, fear Mothman. Dracula, however, is one tech savvy dude, and meticulously searches out all queries with the words "vampire", "Dracula", "Transylvania", or "macramé". But with the Count sleeping off the diabetic blood from candy infused trick-or-treaters the internet is free to deride his immortal race of limp-wristed fops.

Here then is the truth of why ghosts are scarier than vampires.

Chains: When there are chains hanging off a ghost it's terrifying. How did those chains get there? Did the ghost die in those chains in life? Are they a sign of torment in the afterlife? Did the ghost make those chains, and if so could the ghost make swords? Conversely when a vampire has chains on it, it's because some government organization or other has captured them (with minimal effort) in order to make super soldiers clad in Victorian garb. This is destined for failure, because though inhumanly strong, vampires are conscientious objectors.

Vulnerability: Ghosts are without any solid physical body, and so also lack any physical weaknesses, making them immune to conventional weapons. Nothing is more threatening than a foe you cannot harm. Vampires, on the other hand, are basically animated corpses that drink copious amounts of blood daily. Logically then they are the humanoid equivalent to a mosquito, and should therefore explode like water balloons from the gentlest of assaults. Also their gentlemanly ways require exercise no more strenuous than a leisurely walk, and so have the muscle mass of an anorexic manatee.

Visibility: As most of us know true terror comes from the horrors that we can't see. Ghosts are completely invisible with the exception of instances when they want us to see them doing something scary. Every other time we just have to assume that they're doing something spooky. A vampire's reflection cannot be seen in a mirror, but he is completely visible in every other respect. The only people this attribute could possibly effect are movies stars who never stop looking in mirrors. They have nothing to fear though because celebrities often drain their blood to lose a quick 10 pounds. Also most celebrities are already vampires.

"Orientation": Let's just say it: A vampire (of either sex) is just as likely to kiss you as kill you. Unless you are an actual homophobe (as opposed to the PC connotation) this is not at all scary. It's actually kind of flattering. A ghost will never try to seduce you because they lack self esteem, and have repressed sexualities. Like teenagers from the '50s, and hey a lot of them might be, they have channeled all their unexpressed emotions into hate, rage, and pep rallies. All of those things inspire cold sweats.

So the next time you're wandering through an enchanted labyrinth (I can see your future: Tuesday) and you're faced with the choice of Poltergeist or Nosferatu, think back to the facts I've given you here. Maybe they'll save you a pair of lean underwear.